Ruling on Misbehaving during oppression
Assalam u Alaikum Sheikh. I wanted to ask how can I stop myself from misbehaving. What is the ruling if someone misbehaves with their elders including their mother when in a state of extreme frustration as well as when their elders are becoming oppressive. The circumstances at my home has built up severe frustration and insecurities within me. The pent up aggression finds no channel. I’ve become distant with my family due to their unintended lack of empathy. I feel so tired and worn-out every time I yell and misbehave with someone. I want to cope up with this, a friend told me to go to a therapist and resolve my issues since nothing I do is helping me out so far. However, I don’t have enough money for such expenses and am dependent financially on my maternal family. Due this I fear I may loose hope completely. Please help me out. A supplication, prayer, anything that would help me become a better person, please.
Jazaak Allahu Khair
JazakAllāh Khayr for writing to the institute regarding your difficulty in dealing with your foul temper.
Does the word ‘foul’ strike a bell? You say you have suffered many losses due to your bad temper. This means you are already aware of the repercussions of giving in to your nafs and allowing shaytwān to control you and your life. It is not for nothing that we have been told that anger comes from Shaytwān. You also realise that slowly but surely you are becoming a loser.
It is good that you have reached the stage where you realise that your temper is a major problem for you and those around you. I may have already raised your ire by the use of some words in describing your negative emotion.
This is something you have to understand. The world out there does not pander to our needs, moods and tantrums. It is up to us to make a go of our life. We have to also take responsibility for our actions and words.
There is not point in saying, “so and so said/did this and made me angry”. Anger is the emotion you choose to respond to in any given situation. Nobody tells you to choose “angry”. You could choose to walk away, ask a question, assert yourself in a positive way or ask for clarification, etc.
It is inevitable that everyone of us will meet with failure, disaster, difficulties, obstruction and frustrations in reaching our goals. How we deal with each of these is what defines (our intelligence, ability to adapt and) our growth as individuals. Unwarranted anger at trivial difficulties or frustrations is a sign of weakness. It is also a sign of a bully. It often happens that when one cannot get one’s way, one gives in to a tamper tantrum. This could be learned behavior since childhood. If one has either observed a significant role model behaving in this way and getting away with it, or if one was allowed to have tantrums in childhood and was rewarded for them. You have identified your ‘anger’ as being detrimental to your daily functioning and that you need to change it. You now have to identify where your problems lie.
As long as you do not deal with why you handle real life situations in a regressive manner, you will not be able to start changing your behavior. This means you have to take a hard look at what makes you a ‘nasty’ person. Deal with and sort out the baggage you are carrying with you. It could be something that has been with you for a lifetime, or maybe something that has come up in recent years.
Do remember that there is no substitute to sincerely turning to Allāh Ta’ālā for His guidance and help. How about fasting often and observing the rule of saying nothing mean nor losing your temper whilst fasting?
Perform frequent Nafl Swalāh and seek Allāh’s help in overcoming this weakness. Reveal your helplessness in dealing with this problem to Allāh and ask Him to help you to overcome it. Increase Istighfār, Zikr and Tilāwah of the Qur’an with meaning so that you can understand exactly what is required of you as a Muslim.
Pride could be another factor which could be driving your anger. You know, the attitude that, “I am always right and others are fools or idiots” or ” I know what I am talking about……….” etc. You also need to take other people into consideration.
How about a real hard look at how you behave and how others see you (without the attitude of “I dont care what others think or say”).
Make a list of your last 10 encounters with people where you lost your temper. Note what led to your loss of temper, how the others reacted to you and how you were left feeling after the encounter.
How do you think the other person saw you?
Did you leave them with feelings of hurt, resentment or worse?
How often have you had positive thoughts about others and how many negative thoughts?
Remember that to be loved and accepted, you have to accept and love too. You also have to be make yourself acceptable. By this I mean that people can reciprocate your negative and positive behaviour.
So if you reject them, they may reject you. If you shout, scream and behave aggressively, this is how they may respond to you too. And so on it goes……..we do not exist in nor behave in a vacuum. We need to be aware of our actions and how they impact on others. “The recompense of goodness is goodness”. Allāh Ta’ālā will put the love of you into the hearts of others if your heart is filled with the love of Allāh Ta’ālā.
This means that if you endeavor to respect and honour other human beings, you will be fulfilling the rights of your fellow human beings over you. Every human being, no matter what position they hold in society, their age or sex.
Everyone deserves respect, justice and fair treatment. When one constantly responds to others with anger and meanness, one is potentially usurping this right others have over one.
Most certainly Allāh Ta’ālā cannot be pleased with such a person. Most certainly the forgiveness of the abused person is required in this case as Allāh Ta’ālā will not forgive a transgression against another. You may write again if you wish.
May Allāh Ta’ālā guide you and help you to remove your emotions from the clutches of Shaytwān.
At last get closer and a permanent contact with an ‘Ālim to help you in recruiting positive resolution.
Allāh Almighty knows best.
In Agreement with the Social Department
Mufti Mohammad Ashhad bin Saeed Al Mahmūdy
Dāruliftaa Mahmoodiyyah Mauritius.
WhatsApp +230 57554717